Practically, for us, discipline meant that we did things that positively reinforced behavior that was unselfish, considerate and helpful to others. We met twice a day for meals: breakfast and dinner. It didn’t matter what you were involved in or how tired you were, you needed to show up at breakfast and dinner. We didn’t allow individual preference to define how we lived together. Sometimes that meant we had breakfast really early in the morning if I was leaving for a trip. Sometimes it meant you couldn’t go out with your friends until after dinner.
Breakfast and dinner were times of reconnection and value-strengthening. We prayed together, ate together, discussed together. Pretty much every day.
Also, for awhile, we did something called “Appreciation Dinner” every once in awhile. It worked like this: At dinner, everyone would share one thing they appreciated about every other person. Everyone shared several things they appreciated and everyone got appreciated several times. It was awesome! What we were doing was engaging in a discipling that reinforces the kind of behavior we want to see more of in our family.
You’ll notice that “discipline” for us wasn’t primarily about punishing bad behavior. Discipline simply means regular and rigorous activity that trains us. That’s what breakfast and dinner were about. Sometimes we needed to confront behavior that didn’t line up with our values, but it was always very important for us to distinguish between childish foolishness (which is to be expected) and rebellion (which is something entirely different).
Foolishness was met with simple correction, perhaps a new boundary, a conversation, etc. Rebellion (things like deception and willful disobedience) were met with the revocation of privilege. The message was that these kinds of things are out-of-bounds in a covenant relationship like family.
Freedom
Here’s what we believed: A moderately disciplined life lets you soar. And we knew we needed to give our kids permission and empowerment to soar, to explore, to try things. Freedom isn’t defined by lack of rules; it’s about exploration within a framework. Sometimes the most stifling environments are those with no framework.
We established the framework of discipline, and then encouraged our kids to explore with freedom. Have fun. Express yourself as an individual creatively and artistically. Try new things, whether you fail or not. There needs to be an environment where it’s OK to try things out before we know if we’re good at them or not, tell some jokes, lighten up and laugh a bit. We were constantly pulling each other’s legs and playing practical jokes.
It worked, even though we made many mistakes, because it was freedom within a framework (discipline), soaked in an atmosphere of unconditional love.