2. Take the initiative.
With our critics and naysayers, it’s easier to keep our distance even though we know relationship tension exists. A good leader, however, will take the initiative to reach out to a critic, even though he’d prefer that if “they have a problem, they should come to me.” A simple conversation like this can potentially ease tension … “Hi, John, just wanted to check in with you. How are things going?”
3. Practice empathy.
Empathy is the ability to step inside another’s shoes and see life from their perspective. Try stepping into your critic’s shoes to see you from their perspective. You might gain new understanding about what lies at the root of their resistance. Daniel Golemen (the emotional intelligence guy) believes there are three kinds of empathy. I describe them in this way: knowing empathy (we cognitively know our critic’s distress), feeling empathy (we feel our critic’s distress) and doing empathy (we are moved to help relieve our critic’s distress). Which kind do you need to express toward your critic?
4. Become more self-aware.
Related to number 1 above, becoming more self aware refers to recognizing the power of emotional contagion, the concept that explains how others catch our emotions. If you act distant or cold toward someone, they tend to mirror your behavior. If you act friendly and open toward others, they tend to respond in like kind. Neuroscientists have discovered a unique set of brain cells called mirror neurons that play a role in emotional contagion. These brain circuits prompt us to subconsciously mimic goal-directed behavior we see in others. Ask yourself how you come across to your critics. Would you want them to relate to you as you do to them?
Again, who’s the person in your life or ministry that criticizes or hassles you the most? Which of these four suggestions if applied might make that relationship better?
Even though we may not feel we have the strength or emotional reserve to relate in a positive way toward our critics, the Bible tells us that every follower of Jesus has the Holy Spirit. He promises to give us everything we need to relate in wise and healthy ways toward our critics. The Apostle Paul reminded us of this when he wrote these words:
You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. (Rom. 8.9, NIV)
[1] Marcuson, Leaders Who Last, kindleKloc. 1117.