3. Work Together as Parents.
The great theologian, Rocky Balboa, once said of his fiancée Adrian, “I got gaps; she got gaps. Together, we got no gaps.” Raising kids is a team effort, especially with PKs who have complicated schedules and are living with public scrutiny. The best parental thing we did was to determine the goal for raising our children, and specifically how and when we were going to discipline them. We worked in unity. One of my PK sons sent this to his mom on her 50th birthday (even though she is only 37):
The most important relationship a young child can have is with his mother. From the very beginning, she is the caregiver, protector, nurturer and teacher. But there is another key role a mother has: advocate. While dad has many important roles as well, no one understands and cares for the feelings of a child like his mother. And when he is too young to voice or understand those feelings himself, the mother must. In a pastor’s home, it can be frustrating if mom does not advocate. Dad’s role as a pastor had the ability to drain him and take his attention if he was not careful. Such was not the case in our home, because mom cared.
When things with the church got crazy and pastor-dad had to go put out some fires (whether it was late night hospital visits, counseling or dealing with a disgruntled board), mom was always batting for the welfare of the family. Ever attentive, she knew when enough was enough and the family needed to get more attention. She also knew when it was OK for Dad to spend a Friday night working on his sermon or meeting with a young couple who just miscarried. You see, mom had a pulse on the family heartbeat and my brother and I knew it.
We all knew dad’s job was important and we needed him to play catch in the backyard, but only mom could navigate that balance. She advocated for us when he was too busy and she advocated for him when he had to miss a basketball game (though that was a rare occurrence). Furthermore, because she so consistently and effectively advocated for the well-being of the family, we trusted her.
In a pastor’s home, church and family balance can be a confusing and potentially harmful dynamic. In situations of unbalance, the family can feel neglected or pastor-dad can feel burdened or embittered. Mom has got to fight for that balance and advocate for her kids when workaholism can seep into a pastor’s life so easily. And that’s what mom did for us. I’d like to think it made us all a little less crazy.